Tuesday, December 2
addiction
There is a drug that has brought me down on my knees. I declare that I am an unswervingly committed addict. This psychological dependence has turned me into a living disaster. I have been an emotional wreck and a plight to my loved ones since the day of seperation. Though I have been going through rehab for months, withdrawal systems still persisted. Episodes of mania interjected brief moments of silence. The first few weeks were the hardest. I was left in shock, delusional. Worst of all, I was in denial. Every single night, I prayed that tomorrow would be all right. Hoping the days that have passed were just bad dreams. Everyone suffers from nightmares, right? Of course they do you idiot.
When everyone was about to give up on me, I unwillingly put myself on medication. It was good in a way to feel numb in a sense that I can distract myself with this new prescription. It made me believe that I could have a fresh start in life. Never would that think that it would cause yet another problem.
I experienced cold turkey. I knew that I needed inclining doses of the medication. The numbing effect was wearing off. Later I found out, they became useless. It's like a placebo that could no longer deceive a patient's mind. The distance was tearing me apart. Now, I'm torn into two seperate pieces. The longing for a future that I am afraid of and a past that I couldn't dismiss.
Not yet again, I am left without any amount of relief or distraction. Forget the medication, my mind is still settled on the initial substance. Day in and day out, it used to be my saviour. It made me forget all the difficult moments in life, even for a an hour or two. It made me smile. It had its arms over me, like a shield protecting me against everything cruel. Most importantly, it made me walk on air as euphoria swam through my veins. For the first time in my life, I felt complete. Having this particular drug with me was all that I needed. Receiving daily doses was all that I knew.
And this drug that I've been writing about is you.