Thursday, September 4
Angel Of Mercy
I suggest you read this till the very end. Because, what im going to say is from the bottomest corner of my heart. Im serious. I mean each and everything im gonna say and hopefully, these words could, should and would make your frozen heart melt. (I dont know if you'd understand my english but it seems like I have to use metaphors to convey my ignored emotions. Bear with it, force yourself to understand.)
Picture this:
When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, does it make a loud, crashing sound? Yes, of course it does.
When a window shatters, or when your mum breaks a mug you got for your birthday, does it make a noise? Yes, of course it does.
If a photo frame falls off the wall, does it make a sound, does it make a noise? Again, of course it does.
But as for your heart, when it breaks, it makes no sound. Completely silent. Not even the angels beside you could hear it.
In my case, it has made the loudest noise in the whole wide world, without even making a sound. Weird, but true. Its silent. So silent that i almost wish there was a loud noise that could possibly distract me from the pain. If there's a noise, it's internal. My heart screams and no one could hear it. It screams so loudly that my ears would ring, causing my head to ache.
I feel like a prisoner to my own emotions. You know, in-the-lock-up kind of thing. I guess thats the thing about love. No one is untouchable. Its so wild and raw, like an open flesh wound exposed to the salty seawater but when it actually breaks, its bloody silent.
Are you just like an autistic child who has no emotional attachment whatsoever? Or is cheating your culture? In case you didnt know, cheating is wrong. Betrayal and heartbreak, even more horrible. You might think that the grass will be greener on the other side and you would want to roll on it and stain your jeans (or your white bermudas). So be it.
Im NOT coming to a conclusion that youre a cheater. Definitely not. Because what i think of you and all that has happened is that YOU FEARED COMMITMENT FROM THE VERY START,COMBINED WITH NOT WANTING TO BE SINGLE. You wanted to have all the COSY BENEFITS of having a girlfriend in spite of being single. You wanted to have your cake (and whats up with calling me 'cupcake'?) and eat it too. But you know, you've got to learn and grow out of it. Have you ever realised that it hurts the other party?
I feel brittle. Absolutely tired. Tired of figuring out your playful mind.Tired of everything. I dont know whats your aim. Do you hurt someone, make them feel lonely, angry and unloved all because you think its best for them? I dont know. And even if its true, im not gonna admit that getting to know you was a monumental mistake. Because for the first few months, you were my clandestine contact. Also my sunshine because despite having many issues to deal with, you lifted the darkness from the end of my tunnels and I could finally see beyond. In your company, everything seems nice. Everything in me was potent with excitement.
First of July, you said im beautiful. And you said my eyes are like jewels. I wouldnt give a damn if any random guy were to tell me the same. So what if I have eyes that you could look back centuries in and still see your future? So what? But the fact that it was YOU saying my eyes are like jewels, you had no idea how it mattered the world to me. One of the tuesdays in july, you waited outside my class because i bought you lollipops. You kept thanking me over and over again (over lollipops?) when by right, i should be the one thanking you for making that tuesday an exception to be one of the best?
That night, i texted you:
Youre someone to be proud of not only because youre such a good friend but also because your warm and wonderful ways make you someone very special to those who know you. Oh actually i wanted to say goodnight. Heeeee.
I meant what i said.
11 July. You were on your way to training and you said you missed me. Plus you asked if its a normal thing to say. Normal? What dyou think? On the same day, you asked me if i liked you and i agreed, in your face.
And what about that 67 scrolling down message????? A joke?
Now, youre doing all these, as if your hand reached into my heart and twisted it momentarily. Dang it hurts. You dont have a clue, do you? I dont know what else to do. Im. Helpless.
Feeling like a hedgehog, all prickly and sensitive. Dont do this, please. Dont.
So many things are happening,
I've tried running away.
But I always end up bumping into you.
To stay or stay away?
I'm still left without a clue.
Goodbye readers. Long post, i know. Wont be updating for sometime.